a month ago, i got a tattoo that reminds me of my mom, and i dedicate this essay to her even though it’s very likely she will never read this, happy early mothers day anne
back story of my relationship with my mom
i was having a conversation with my therapist the other day about being “prefered” over someone else. i recently got out of a relationship which i felt like i was not prefered the whole time, had terrible relationship anxiety and it finally stemmed the break up by literally being not preferred (they cheated). my therapist asked me: “do you recall a time in your childhood where you weren’t chosen over someone else?”
then it hit me, my entire life my mom picked my grandma over me
for context: i grew up with my single mom and my grandma in the house being the power figures. i always thought their bond was truly something that touched me.
my grandma was 78 when i was born, she has been old my whole life and needed to be taken care of when i was around 14. my mom has always adored and worshiped her, not only her but we all did (still do!)
i told my therapist that it isn’t that simple and i understand the responsibilities my mom has that comes with taking care of my grandma and could not give me her full potential. but she told me when a child is 3 years old, their mind does not take in information like that. it’s actually pretty straight forward:
i love mommy → mommy prefers to spend time with grandma → i’m not as special
and it is SAD. i had to take in this information after therapy and cried over my 3 year old self.
i remember on mother’s day when i was 7 or 8 i made a card for my mom that said how i will always love her even though she can’t spend time with me that much because she is taking care of my grandma. and i remember it made her cry so much i felt like dying.
it makes so much sense unconsciously that this would obviously stem into my today relationships. i had a deep wound inside me from childhood and repeated the pattern with my ex. which hurts you even more. (literal proof that breakups are more than just grieving that person you lost but losing that “trusted” trauma bond that keeps you grounded)
a milestone in our relationship
because of the way i grew up: i always kinda stayed distant from her. keeping a lot of things to myself and only showing her the side of the that was “acceptable” by our culture and family values. then one day in high school, she read my diary. and my diaries were THICK. i always liked to write a lot, with big feelings and detailed descriptions. she read about the time i lost my virginity to this guy, she confronted me shaming, blaming and i can never forget the disappointment i saw in her face that day. what happened made me feel naked inside the house for months and i could not look at my mom anymore. i stopped writing for a year and things got worse for a while.
but now that i look back at it, i can’t blame her. she was concerned about me and didn’t know how to reach out to me. her upbringing is much more different than mine. she didn’t ask to be born, and so did i. she did what any mother would do. and that is something i won’t understand if only one day i become one myself.
wretched mirrors of each other
motherhood is scary, and it’s full of mistakes. i’m very intimidated to become a mother myself because that adjective change terrifies me. you’re no longer a woman, but a mother: for the rest of your life. if i were given the chance to reincarnate back to life, i would want to come back as my moms mother. even though i have such admiration for my grandma, the past down generational trauma between three of us is astronomical.
my mom is the most tender person i know. growing up i thought this was embarrassing. how easy she would cry or how emphatic she was. i used to think it was weak of her and would often look down at her. she would often put herself down. how she looked in the clothes she buys but never wears, how “ugly” she was even with makeup on, how big her ass looked in the tight jeans she hated. this stemmed into many things in my adulthood like my body dysmorphia. i would unconsciously put myself down like she did, glanced at mirrors to myself just like her and dumb myself down. my mother’s shame haunted me and my body.
i get my creativity and my tenderness from my mom. she is an artist, she is a loving daughter and the most giving mother. she is smart and always puts her love into things she makes, it’s like her signature: you just know something was made by her. i’m probably the luckiest person to have her as a parental figure.
learning to forgive her, and seeing her as a human being rather than a mother was the most important step i took, not only for my relationship with her, but also relationship with myself.
the healing journey i have been on with her has been blooming each day into something so special. she has been becoming a friend, a woman i trust.
this is your sign to call your mom and maybe thank her for everything she has done for you
thank you for reading
